antidotal evidence

bulmer replied to your post: elizmayerle replied to your post: Tell Me What You…

Have you had many threesomes? Do you prefer two guys or a guy and a girl?

This was both my first threesome and my first time sleeping with a girl. I’d be open to the possibility of two guys but one of the reasons I was most excited about this whole situation was to have the chance to sleep with a woman (and this woman in particular).

elizmayerle replied to your post: Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want

I always assume they are sleeping with other people unless we have an exclusive convo. But ugh, this kind of thing is why I’ve been avoiding dating lately, ha.

I think unless youve had the talk, then you don’t need to be with only one person and I don’t think they need to know either.

I completely agree with both of these points. And I also believe that threesomes are the absolute best thing ever. Sorry every other person I’ve ever slept with; that was definitely the most fun I’ve ever had in bed.

Ok upon further reflection I think I was totally overthinking things in my last post so I’m just gonna fuck whoever I want and figure it out as I go along. I’m single and my intentions are good which is all I would ask for of someone else so I think it’s a fine way to function.

I’m a big believer in honesty. So much hurt and so many misunderstandings can be prevented by simply being open and up front about what you want. Parameters can change, of course, but if you never set those parameters to begin with it can be amazing how different people’s’ expectations can be. It’s hard to be on the same page when you don’t realize you’re reading different books.

So I always try to open up the boundaries conversation early. “I really enjoy spending time with you but I’m not really looking for anything serious so I want to take it slow.” Or maybe just a “Hey! What’s our policy on seeing other people?” It doesn’t have to be a big in-depth thing, sometimes a simple check-in is enough to suffice.

But it gets a little complicated when things are first starting out and you’re not really sure what you want. Like, say, you’ve been on a couple of dates with a guy who is clearly really into you and you’re interested in seeing where things go but you’ve been kind of planning a threesome with this really hot couple that you’re itching to jump into bed with. Is that any of his business? Does the fact that you slept with him give you an obligation to tell him the details of your current sex life?

I tend to err on the side of telling anybody you’re sleeping with about everybody you’re sleeping with. Not necessarily in detail but in this age of rampant STDs it seems only fair to let everyone know what they’re getting involved with. Then again, it’s not exactly something you can bring up before it happens. “Hey, I know we’re just sort of getting to know each other and all but I just wanted to give you the heads up that I’m probably going to sleep with 2 of my friends before we hang out again. Hope that’s cool with you!”

So in practice I usually end up following my own selfish desires and then owning up to them after the fact. Somehow this usually turns out okay and I’ve never had anyone get upset or disown me for it; if anything it just tends to be a catalyst for the boundaries conversation which can be hard to bring up out of context anyway.

But when you really don’t know someone and things are truly just starting out is it even worth it to bring it up? Is it your responsibility to be totally honest and open with them or is it problematic for them to assume that you’re not currently sleeping with anyone else? I suppose this is less complicated for people who don’t do casual sex but seeing as how that’s mostly what I’ve been interested in recently these are all questions I’ve been debating that I’m still not sure how to answer.

How much would you want to know about someone you’ve just started seeing?

Sometimes I think I go on too many dates but hey if it results in free sangria and amazing meals and boys who want to offer me their carpentry expertise when I’m buying a house then who am I to say no.

missrockmeup answered your question: An Ethical Dilemma

Hmm, the children thing would be most concerning- could you send photos but not show your face? Could you approach them and ask about if they keep a copy of your licence details? Surely they just need to see you’re over 18 and then could not keep the copy? That might be better.

That’s definitely the part that makes me most nervous as well. We all know how up-in-arms people can get about the prospect of sex workers ever coming into contact with children which is absolutely preposterous but it’s the world we live in. Unfortunately they do require face pictures; in order to become a verified member you have to submit a photo of you holding up a sign that says “mygirlfund.com” and your face and hand have to be clearly visible. Which I can understand for legitimacy purposes but it means I can’t really remain anonymous. I think I will send them an email asking about the specifics of what they do with the license information because it’s always smart to be fully aware of privacy policies anyway. Thank you for the input!

Dear Tumblr,

I need your expert advice. I am currently working in a public elementary school through an Americorps program until July 31st. This is to say that I’m basically not making any money. I’m pretty sick of being broke but my schedule doesn’t really allow for a part-time job right now. Enter mygirlfund, a social networking website that provides a platform for girls to flirt with/get naked for dudes for money. I have a friend that’s used the site so I know it’s legit and I’m becoming more and more tempted.

However, because I work with children the idea of having naked photos of myself on the internet makes me nervous. I have no qualms about sending photos to strangers and my real name wouldn’t be made public but they do require a copy of your license for age verification purposes which makes me wonder if future employers would be able to find this information. I’d rather not hinder my future job possibilities even though the site is perfectly legal.

Thoughts/advice?

Sometimes you think you have yourself all figured out and that independence and freedom are all that you want but then you find out that a friend committed suicide over the weekend and it sort of breaks your heart open in a way that feels like can only be fixed by burying yourself in the arms of someone who loves you unfailingly.

But you can’t do that because the one person you’ve ever felt could possibly fill that role is dizzily happy with his new girlfriend and you feel like a fool for ever having loved him and even moreso for the fact that he still crosses your mind (more often than you’d care to admit). And you remind yourself that the reality wasn’t anything like the fantasies you constructed and he gave terrible hugs anyway and you’re better off without him but that isn’t even the point and there you go again, wasting time giving him thought.

And then you think about her, about the conditions that made death seem like a sigh of relief and the guilt is overwhelming. These fleeting feelings of loneliness and emptiness and hollowness give you no right to complain, the wounded pride that comes with being replaced suddenly pales in comparison and you keep telling yourself to remember just how lucky you are.

No matter how much you say it, though, there’s still a part of you that believes happiness doesn’t count unless you share it with another, that life is lacking without love, that you’re missing something, incomplete and unfulfilled.

Maybe what you really want is that one person who makes you feel like everything will be okay.

Maybe all you really want is to believe that they exist.

I have too many crushes on too many boys and girls and I can’t help that I love the thrill of the progression of attraction and I don’t think I could ever get married because I like it too much when people are interested in me.

I don’t do relationships. I’m more suited to single life and the flexibility of non-commitment because I thoroughly enjoy being able to do what I want whenever I want with whomever I want, so long as I’m honest and up-front with everyone involved. This makes me happiest.

I’ve really only ever been in two committed relationships and neither came up naturally. Instead I simply decided I wanted a boyfriend and then found guys who were up to the task. If I hadn’t been in the mindset of wanting a relationship I probably wouldn’t have dated either of them seriously but the timing just happened to work out.

What I’m beginning to realize is that this is not a good thing. When I broke up with my most recent ex he said to me “I’ve always felt like you didn’t particularly want to date me, you were just looking for a boyfriend and I happened to come along at the right time.” I wasn’t able to admit it at the time but he was absolutely right. And though I didn’t do it intentionally, it was patently unfair.

I’ve been sort of hankering for a relationship lately and the other day it struck me that the only time I have the desire to be committed to someone is when I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I become overwhelmed by choices so my solution is to attach my decision-making to another person. At least if I’m dating someone it limits my options!

So my first real boyfriend happened when I was deciding between colleges (he lived in Maryland so I decided I may as well just stick around here) and my last one happened after my move back home from NYC (I was torn between moving to Baltimore or packing up and heading to a new city. He was going to school in Baltimore and he was looking for a roommate, so decision made!). During the 2 years I lived in Brooklyn I was preoccupied with meeting someone (hence all of my ridiculous OkCupid stories) but I just never met anyone I liked enough or who was interested in commitment. If I had then I most likely would have stayed.

Since my last breakup in November I’ve been extremely happy being single. I see people casually, my sex life is so satisfying that I don’t even feel the need to write about it, and my confidence and self-esteem are at all time highs. I’m not constantly preoccupied with the need to meet someone or to think about the future relationship potential of everyone I meet. And I think this has a lot to do with how stable my life has been.

But once again I find myself at a point where my next life step is unclear. My job and lease are up at the end of July and I have to begin making some major decisions. I’ve fallen in love with Baltimore but jobs are somewhat hard to come by here. So I could broaden my search to other cities or pack up and teach English abroad for awhile or follow my dreams and do something that’s quite possibly financially stupid and would tie me to Baltimore for the long-term but would give me the possibility to create the sort of life I’ve always wanted. And it’s scary to face these kinds of decisions alone and head on, with no one else to blame if I fail spectacularly. But there’s something liberating about the notion as well, about being forced to reckon with what it is that I really want. I’m not sure what the answer is yet but I’m determined to find it for myself.